"It's fine."

HE SAYS: “What’s the matter?”/ “Is that okay with you?”/ “So you like it?”/ “Is something wrong?”

SHE SAYS: “…it’s fine.”

Sometimes, HE THINKS: “Oh, good, it’s fine.”

Some other times, HE THINKS: “OH SHIT.”

This is a reasonable response. Gents, we don’t think you are stupid. And it is true, often “it’s fine” means anything but, and let’s be honest, often a girl will make it pretty clear if that is the case. But there are a couple of things to note. Generally, she is probably responding with “it’s fine” either because it IS totally fine, or because she doesn’t want to talk about it anymore.

So, Option A: she really means it.

If she really means it (and if you are talking to her in person, you can usually tell; if it’s via text or chat, good luck) then it is a non-issue; were we all perfectly honest, clear and straightforward people that would always be the case (but alas…). Once you get to know a girl, you can usually determine whether she is being genuine, or whether she is hiding the cleaver behind her back as she smiles at you.

Option B: It’s NOT fine.

If a girl tells you “it’s fine” in a tone that indicates the reverse, she is probably doing so because she doesn’t want to talk about it any more. Whether you have pissed her off to such a point that she literally wants the conversation over, or whether she is embarrassed or uncomfortable with continuing it, or whether she thinks the fact that you do not know, intuitively what is wrong is insensitive, one way or another she is indicating to you that she is not ready or willing to communicate further on the subject. Girls, this is stupid. As one of the authors of this communication-related blog, I honestly believe that refusing to communicate is not going to make anyone happy. But alas, I am guilty of this one too. Sometimes the problem seems too petty to go through the bother and embarrassment of explaining, even if it’s troubling me; and sometimes I feel like the problem is obvious enough for the other party to figure it out and that I should not have to explain myself. As we all know, however, what seems plain and simple to one person can be about as clear as mud to someone else.

Gentlemen, whatever her reasons, if you can tell that fine is what it is NOT, then go ahead and assume she probably won’t elucidate. It’s not a bad idea to ask once more, on the off chance her better self catches up to her, but after that the only subtle way to get an answer is to do a little extra thinking, and see if you can figure out what it was that incurred her wrath. Hopefully you will immediately hit upon the cause (for example, “Oh, maybe I shouldn’t have checked out the waitress” or “Maybe she wanted me to ‘wash my fucking socks’”) and will be able to carefully address it without making it something that is the matter for her but rather as something that is of concern to you both (best of all possible worlds here). If such obvious reasons do not present themselves, however, another (better?) option is to call her on it: “I know you said it’s fine, but it sounds like something is still wrong, and I don’t know what it is. What’s really the matter?” It wont make her happy, but it will get a clear response from her – either she will blow you off in anger (in which case, girl’s got issues) or she will respond, either angrily or reasonably.

If we always had the guts to say what we mean, the world would be a better place. Unfortunately, we do not; and until we do, while girls everywhere will love you if your deductive powers/telepathy are skillful enough to determine what it is we mean, asking us straight out will usually work out alright in the long run.